=]

blah

just so you all kknow, my life stinks right now. and i just want to try to focus on the good.


after thinking about you for weeks i came to a conclusion about why everything between us dissipated: you didn't try like you said you would. you told me you'd try harder, and i said i would too. but we are two different people now and that is what kills me the most. but just so you know, your always on my mind.

Self-Assesment

Bloggggg-to be who you are in your kind of way. The blogs are over for the class, but I'm sure I'll keep up with them as much as I can. Time sure did fly, because I remember the first blog entry when I was venting about work and how terrible it was, and now booooom only a couple of months go by and I don't know where I would go with out my job. This blog helped me grow, and it definitely helped me let go of a lot of necessary things so I could move on with my life. I think my blog turned out to be wonderful just like me. Because this is what I am. Read my blog and You know me, I wasn't afraid to go there if I could.

You haven't heard the last of me!!

Never to be Sent

Dear Forever Friend 12 October 2007

When you feel like everything you had is everything you need, it's like dying out. When the boy you once loved and still love is with another because he's behind a glass wall that he's afraid to shatter.

Love Always, Brittany




Dear Boy with potential, 19 November 2007

your really someone I could love, and I really want to love you and trust you and be with you and be your equal, but there’s just one thing... her and to be honest I don’t think she would like us at all. You seem so great and you have such a potential but when will that potential spark and set off, because I know it’s only been a few months but I’m dying inside.

With Love, Brittany



Dear New Boy, 21 November 2007

You’re so innocent yet so intriguing; I just don't know what to do. The thing is you’re so hmm... well I guess easy. There's no challenge or obstacle I have to face into wanting you and I think that's what’s making it so difficult. All the guys I've ever liked always had some reason to not go near them, but with you I can't find one good enough reason to say I shouldn't like you. You’re almost perfect. I've never felt this before?

From, Brittany


Dear Forever Friend, 8 January 2008

You've always been the one to confide in for me, I could tell you "I'm pregnant" and even if the father was perfect you would still help me. You mean so much to me because you're always there, like I am for you. But we've been through so much and we go through the stupid stuff still, but I love you and I always will. You are someone who has really pulled through for me in every way and to love you so much is harder than anything, when I watch you get hurt I get hurt. You are my everything.

Love Always, Brittany


Dear Forever Friend, 1 March 2008

You joked around today in class, of course you can there because it's behind closed doors, but it still means something. I'm sure you know that because the look in your eyes weren't just for joking around. Well I hope you know I miss you a lot. I feel like I never see you, which in reality it's not a feeling. True Love comes only once so if yours and my love was true, I guess eventually we'll be together.

Love Always, Brittany

Whores?

June 24, 2008

If you could tell me one thing right now what would it be? Because I can tell you, if I could tell you one thing, any one thing, I would tell you how much I care about you. How much I miss lying in your arms at midnight after having a great night with our friends. I want to be able to tell you I miss our amazing friendship. I miss all the times we could be with each other in silence and not feel awkward, but feel safe and happy. You seem so far away and I’m sure you’ve changed, because I know I have, but have you changed for the better or worse. I just want to know. I want to know if our love was true because our hearts were always missing each other. I know I’m not in love with you right now, but I want you to know I will always love you. And there will always be a place for you in my heart. “Sometimes people write what they can’t say out loud.” So please always speak you mind even if it’s through paper.

Always With Love, Brittany
P.S. Your deserve much more than a few whores once a night

WednesDAYS

It’s a Wednesday. I mentioned your name more than five times, I said “I love him” at least eight times and I thought of you every second of the day. Our worlds are different now, but there was a time when our world was one. It was me and you against everyone else. We were fighters, we were young, and we were in love. You can tell anyone who will listen, that our love could have beat anything back then. So what happened? I want to know what happened to the boy I once gave my heart to because I miss him, because he wasn’t just a boy. He was a man, a gentleman, a best friend. He was everything, he was my everything. Knowing all that I know now I am a better person for knowing him. It’s ok though, I’m ok, I’m going to be ok, everything will be ok, but the thing is sometimes being “ok” is just not enough. And as much as I wish different, I can’t. It’s not me and you against everyone else anymore; it’s me against our friendship, our love, our world. And sometimes I think I need you to pick me up and other times I think I just need to fall. As much as I wish I had you here, I rather you be happy where ever you are and whatever you’re doing. Stay safe and stay you. “You have changed so much that I don’t know if I can call you and tell you I care.”- So Beautiful

A Lost Love

She wrote this when she was only 16:

When you fall asleep at night and your staring at the ceiling the wall your pillow whatever it is... what do you think about? Love, hate, what’s going to happen tomorrow, why did things go the way they did today, who you want to punch the crap out of, who are your true friends, who do you like talking to, who do you want to call up right now but are too afraid or it’s too late, who you think is the kindest person in the world and want to get closer to, or your already so close but so far away at the same time... what do you think about ? I think about it all like is it “true love last forever” or is it “love at first sight?” So many people believe and think in so many different things like for instance, I love to love, it’s not when you love someone deeply it’s when you can trust them with everything and truly give your love and hope they return it back and to me trust means the world. You lose my trust you’re lucky if u get a second chance. You lose it again. You’re lucky if you’re someone I still talk to. I used to be a push over with lies like I wouldn’t care if you lied or not, but after my ex-boyfriend my entire outlook on life changed. He was probably one of the biggest liars ever and I kept going back to him. It was like addiction and a bad addiction at that. He pushed me to my lowest point; cheating on me lying every day, not calling, ignoring me in school and when I finally got to the bottom and dumped him I was finally happy. I felt like I was born again as corny as that sounds. I was hanging out with my friends and being me and trusting anyone was the hardest thing ever. But I came to the point where I was like well I can trust until they give me a reason not to and I’m like that now with friends, boys, and even family. I mean not like my mom or dad, but my aunts and uncles I have a huge family and there not only family their friends and when one betrays you, it’s more upsetting then a just your normal friend. But any ways trust is a big deal to me.--

She was always talking about trust, how it's a big part of her life and how relying on one person for the rest of her life would be the hardest thing anyone would do. I loved it when she talked like that, so real. She was not like some genius I know that, but when she spoke about life and what it was, it was unbelievable because everyone around her was thinking it, but she said it and that takes such courage.
She said "Yes, but with one condition." When I asked her to be my wife, my equal, my forever, she said "As long as you promise you'll never disrespect my trust." When she said that I knew she was the one no matter what. I loved her for her trust, if I didn't have her trust I felt like I could never live again.
She's had some hardship in the past, many having to do with trust issues. Her father had left her family when she was only 11 years of age. She's the oldest sibling and she felt she needed to stay strong for her brother and sister, but most of all her mother. She was so young and she matured because of her aunts. Her love for her family is so great. She would do anything for them. It's so nice to know that about someone, that there family will come first no matter what; she would never have left if I could have helped it.

Inner Self

strong,
this is me
brave,
this is me
independent,
this is me
caring,
this is me
loving, hard
this is me
working,
this is me
sees the better in people,
this is me

i am great
i am wonderful
i am interesting
i am weird
i am lovable
i am magifecent
i am a sister
i am a daughter
i am what i want to be

i will be
i will try
i will ache
i will achieve
i will gain
i will win
i will be what i want to be

this is me, i am what i am, and i will be who i want

The Time Has Come Today

I've been watching an episode of the orignal series of 90210 and the episode title is The Time Has Come Today, Brenda finds a diary of a girl named Wendy who lived during the 60's. What caught my attention to the episode was Bob Dylan. Most of the dialogue was from his songs. Of course other things too, but the catch phrases were all from Dylan, like The times are a changin' and Blowing in the Wind. It was just strange that after learning about Bob Dylan, and the changes of 1960s, I find myself watching this episode. Obviously Bob Dylan affected more than just the real people of 1960's, even unreal characters on television. <3

<3

If not for you,
Winter would have no spring,
Couldn't hear the robin sing,
I just wouldn't have a clue,
Anyway it wouldn't ring true,
If not for you.
-bob dylan, if not for you

how is it possible that i could feel so safe, but so sad at the same time. this kid is unbelievable, but famous dave's is in a shit whole right now, i rele big one. i lvoe my job and now it could be gone. ugh, this kid is amazing and i hav no idea how to pursue anything, we went out tday and it was fun, we talked for an hour and talked and talked, and each thing he said, i liked him more. idk, im so insecure sometimes, and this is a time im def afraid of osmething. i know if it doesnt work out it wont kill me,, but i want things to fall in place this time, i hope and pray things fall in place, just this one time. i would love to be happy and satified, and ok with how life is. i dnt need it to be perfect all the time, i just don't wanna be alone anymore. i want to have a someone i can take out to family parties or go out to dinner, i just need that. and if he's the one, so be it, but i just this to work out<3

crush.

ugh, im uncontrollably falling for a guy that probably doesn't like me back!
he's crazy nice, crazy cute, and i'm crazy over him!
i just cant take it any longer, i want him for myself. ughhh!!!!
if i could just get him out of my head for a second of the day, it would be great
i would live at my job if i couldd bc of him.
im not obessedd, im just crushing hardcore.
and if you know me i dont crush, attttt all!
ugh i juust cant take it anymore!

Odd numbers

I hate odd numbers and being that 31 is odd and i have 31 post, it's going to have to change. so here it is, my dislike of odd numbers.

I KNOW im nutsoo but w.e

ANYYYY WHO!!!
WORK:
love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

bob dylan:
GETTING USED TO IT!
SOME SONGS ARE AWSOMEE

BOY:
unpredictable
kind
cute
sweet
wants a girlfriend, not a booty call!
__>haha
he has the ball, i threw it at him!
hopefully by friday, he throws it back??

family:
UNBELIEVABLE

FRIENDS:
OTT OTT OTT OTT OTT OTT OTT OTT OTT, LOVE HER, MY BIFFLE <33 AAFFFFFAAFFAF <3

school:
school

Life = Great <3

to me my meaningful comment to Jill's question about love...
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=8077097663831526875&postID=4763490296140754076&page=1

Inner Child

This picture is the most embarrassing pictureee ever <3; but the most childissh!!! Yes that's mee to the back, yes I am an idiot. and Yes I CAN NOT believe I'm showing this picturee!!

A Time of...

I'm a girl, he's a boy
He's a boy, he's a boy
tradition says he asks
but i say fuck that

Yea I'm a girl
but I can do anything you can do
ANYTHING, ANYTHING

I'm a girl, he's a boy
So what I say, So what
I work like him
I go to school like him
I kind like him
I every right to be with him

So don't tell me
I SHOULD NOT ASK
because all I want is a date
Maybe something more.

Yea I'm a girl
but I can do anything you can do
ANYTHING, ANYTHING

So what I say, so what?
He's as much as a human as I am,
so if he's too scared, I not!
He is mine and always will be.

Yea I'm a girl
but I can do anything you can do
ANYTHING, ANYTHING

Shadow

Time of...

She was two years old
They were thirty-eight years old
She was ignorant and innocent
They were wise and sinful

Her brown eyes filled with tears
He never was there to hold her
She was always there, always there
Life can not be like this . . . anymore

I was twelve years old
I think thirty-eights a good age to
GROW UP

Today

Do you think I'm innocent?
Am I a kind person?
Can you picture me yelling at someone?
Do you think I'm rude?
Am I pretty?
Can you imagine me doing something risky?

Most people in my life, when I first meet them, they think I'm this innocent school girl who gets good grades, and does right by her parents. Well I'm quite sorry to bust that perfected bubble, but I'm anything but innocent. I know how to party, and I know how to be a huge bitch. I yell at everyone, and complain about everything. Personally I think I'm gorgeous, which by the way, confidence is a huge factor in being risky. I've done plenty of stupid, risky things in my time. I would tell you, but most are against the law and I rather let you make those stories up.

But if you think about your everyday life, and how people look at you, think about you, judge you, you will never make it. I hate when people are so obsessed with judging other people, sure we all do it, like when a drop dead, omg I would love to have your babies guy is walking in the mall holding a nasty, buck teeth, bad highlighted hair with the wrong color eye shadow on with her top girl, of course your thinking if he's on drugs. So ok do that, but when it comes down to the important things, like how she loves being around her family, but he doesnt. Don't judge that. That's what they know. People start obsessing over other people's ways of life, and that's no way to live because those people are so insecure about themselves they NEED to judge other people. If you are a person who can get by with judgement, you will survive in this world, because the first thing people do when they meet you, is judge. Even if they don't mean to.

Comments I got at work today
I liked you better when I thought you were innocent.
Frenger get the fuck out of here.
I never asked you for advice!
Brittany you need to make a decision, are you coming or not?!
Are you done?
Frenger no one likes you.
Haha you just got sat again.

Now, most of these comments are mean, also said during a period of time when everyone decided to pick on me at once. Most said jokingly, BUT!!!! still I think about them. I know the ones that are kidding are kidding and I personally don't care. Just sometimes even a just kidding has some truth. The first comment: I've worked at Famous Dave's for a year and I've known this person since then, and I never would expect him to say that, and I don't really know what he means. Now that he knows I've done wild things in my life, he's questioning who I am? Just because you find out something about someone should not change your perspective of who that person is. But does it? Frenger get the fuck out of here! Burned. We were close, really close and since I've been upset and concentrating on a lot of issues at home, we haven't really talked. We fight a lot and I wish it wasn't like that at all. He told me I changed and I see what he means, but I can't change the way I am now, just for him esspecially if I like the new me. The last comment was made by someone who just wanted to tease me, and boy I don't mind that at all. He's too cute and too sweet and I love it. I just hope I don't get crushed like all the other times...

Belly of the Beast

Jealously has a way of kicking your ass sometimes. My aunt was only 14 when I was born, since I can remember she always teased me. When I was five, she locked me in her closest and told me the boogy man is going to get me. I'm 18 now, and I will never forget that day, not just because I was five years old locked in a dark and tiny closest, but also because I couldn't do anything about it. Since I was born my family has controlled me. Everyone in my family is judgemental, rude, and most of the time obnoxious, but they are absolutely amazing. I know your expecting me to tell you about some time I couldn't do anything, like maybe a little bit more about being locked in a closest with the boogy man, but my life has always been controlled by something or someone. Since I was a little girl, my aunts would tell me that shirt makes me look fat, or my ratty hair needed to be brush. Because of this, I do it too. My sister's nine and I tease her all the time, but like me she doesn't care because it's almost like a tradition. My family likes to have the control of everything, and most of the time when things aren't going someones way, it turns into a huge argument.

You want me to write about dark things, and the inner me, but lately I have been pouring out my feelings. Writing about my ex-boyfriend was really hard for me, BUT I thank you because it let me know how it feels to let go, it helped me let go.

This summer I was a mean person, I was never happy, moping around watching One Tree Hill, or Smallville, or writing depressing journal entries, about how I miss my best friend Paul, or how I hope my sister doesn't make the same mistakes I've made. But now I'm new. I am now the person that I was last year, happy and excited to meet new people, to take charge of my life and find someone to share my life with.

Now I understand this might get you a little bothered, that I'm saying I can't write dark things. It's just I was a miserable person before, but I'm happy with my life now. I love being Brittany.

The Horror

One Happy Girl

she was just a girl who thought love was it. she thought everything was easy after falling in love. she did everything for her spouse, cleaned, cooked, worked, cared. everything. she was happy. she had three kids who were beautiful. each had a piece of her whether it be in the mind or appearance, you knew they were her children. she made sure everything went right for them. her friends were jealous of her and her parents were proud of her. she sat on her porch while her children were at school, and she talked to her neighbors, asking them how there lives were. they were always wondering how she did everything so perfectly and how happy she always was. she loved her husband and family and that was her answer for everything. she did it all because of love.

one night she told her children a bed time story about a child who lost their mother. she started to cry. her children were very perplexed they've never seen her cry before, but figured she was ok. she went to bed that night in tears, weeping the whole night. she noticed her husband walked in around 3am, said he was stuck at the office, didnt want to wake her with a call figured she'd be asleep. she spoke with her soft tearful voice, its ok dear just try to call, il wake up. they got comfortable in the bed, one on one side and the another on the another side.

the next day she woke up making breakfast, it was like she was never upset last night. she sent the kids off to school with extras hugs and gave her husband a passionate kiss before he left for the office. she wrote a note before she left and headed off to the lake. she got to the lake knowing everything will be ok. she went into a rowing boat which she did every week at least once. when she got to the middle of the lake there was a beautiful swan. she told it today is the day.

she then dropped the rows into the water and she became one with the lake.

Opening Up

i hate you, you stupid asshole. you ruined my life with your lies and unwillingness to love me. you killed my soul by ripping it out over and over because i loved you unconditionally, and i could still, no i cant. because you were a ruthless son of a bitch, yes a son of a bitch, because your my mom was a bitch. she thought you were perfect and i was the crazy one. and yea mayb i was nuts, maybe i did go crazy at times, but that doesnt give her the right to degrade me like im some worthless piece of shit. because i am great and you are a scumbag a person who deserves nothing in life. someone who rots in hell because you were dirt, garbage to me. and i hate u. i cant stand to hear you voice, bc it reminds me of the times we fought. i cant stand to be next to you because it reminds me of the times you ignored me. i cant stand for you to love me because it reminds me of the times of loved you. im glad your hurting and im glad you cant let go, because its all your fault im still hanging on

boredd. <3

she shows off her dimples with her fake smile

she doesnt want to go home any more

she just wants to find someone to smack her

she just wants to find someone to hate her

she wears sunglasses because she doesn't want to see you

she loves how people spell her name like spears

she doesnt take no for an answer

she gets what she wants when she wants it

she hates drama and gossip

shes a bitch and she loves it

hates her dimples

loves her home

wants someones arms around her

wants love

doesnt want you to see her

hates "britney"

is ok with no

she gets by with what she gets

loves drama and gossip

shes a bitch and loves it

The Ex

Ok, so Laura called me out in my last entry, and I'm going to tell you about one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. During the football season at my high school in 2004 I met Jose. I will never forget it, because one of my friends Dayna introduced us, in a way. We came to watch the JV football team practice, and Jose was leaning on the fence waiting for it to end, since he was done with varsity practice already. Dayna looked at him and said "HOSE-B!" and Jose turned around and laughed, and she then asked if he was Spanish. Now Dayna is known for being ditsy and I didn't know that she knew this kid, so I was like Dayna, what are you doing?! Do you know him? And they both laughed at me, and she said yea, he's Hose-B. Obviously his name was not Hose-B because they were both laughing, so he told me that it was a joke because his name is "Hose-A." This was the beginning of a tragedy waiting to happen.

We were talking a lot through the fall and when December came we were on our first date. We went to the Broadway Mall in Hicksville and had Chinese food, and went to see a movie, Fat Albert. The entire time was a blast, I was able to relax and be myself. He was so nice to me too. He didn't make fun at the stupid things and he paid for my ticket, which I believed should always happen. I even got along with his parents already which to me is very important. So the winter past fast and I was starting to wonder, we never really discussed a relationship, we were going out and hanging out, but I didn't know if what we had was a dating relationship, he was my first boyfriend so keep that in mind. So I asked him one night, and we decided together that it was official we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was January 7, 2005. I was at my aunts house and it was about 1am.

My best friend Paul was getting really jealous, he didn't like how I spent so much time with Jose. He felt it took from our friendship, but I assured him it was all ok. But then one day around the end of February I told Paul about a fight Jose and I had. It was stupid, because I don't even remember, but Paul went to Jose and told him I was going to break up with him. So like 10 minutes later, Jose came into the hallway and broke up with me, in front of all my friends and was a complete jerk. I didn't understand why, and I didn't find out about Paul until the end of March, when Jose tried talking to me again. We talked about what happened and how it was all a misunderstanding and we were back together, but we weren't dating like before.

I remember my birthday, I was turning 15 and I went to his house before I went to hang out with my friends. There was two of his friends in his grade (11) and then there were another two of his friends in my grade (9). Unless I never heard it, Jose didn't once say Happy Birthday to me, but all of his friends did, even the kids in my grade that I never knew before. It was just upsetting. I understand that's a little stupid, but it was a respect thing for me. So after he drove me to meet with my friends I hung out with Paul, and we just had a good time for my birthday, kind of like "the old times" in middle school.

Eventually Jose apologized and understood where I was coming from. The end of the school year came fast and with the annual carnival coming up every one was excited. The night before the carnival I fell asleep at Jose's on his couch watching a movie. I woke up in panic, but some how he made it all ok. I got home that day, and asked him online if our relationship was going anywhere he told me no.

That night being as upset as I was, I got drunk like an idiot and hooked up with Paul. Of course, since we are in high school, Jose finds out. He yelled and screamed and made me feel like crap, he said he was going to ask me out and make it official again, but wanted me to be surprised. A week later he asked me out. He said he forgives, but never forgets. He said he didn't trust me like he did, but was willing to earn that trust back. Now as stupid as I was, I went along with it. I thought I did do wrong by him, that I shouldn't have done what I did. But looking back on it now, it might have been hurtful, but I had every right. We weren't in a committed relationship, and he had just put me through the pain I didn't think I would go through again. But I went out with him, we were dating like before and June 4, 2005 it was put down. We were like we were before, and that's all that mattered.

The summer went by fast, Jose went to Ecuador in the beginning, but the night he came back he walked to my house just to see me and we spent the entire night together talking about his trip and how I missed him and how much he missed me. It was just a nice way to see each other again, after that the summer flew by. We hung out with each other and some friends, but most of the time it was just us. August came, and Jose was practicing for Varsity Football every morning.

School came fast and so did our arguments, we fought everyday, at 6am about him coming to pick me up, finally I said what ever I'll walk to your house. So every morning I walked to his house. Every morning. Then we fought about how he disrespected me in school, how he was only nice to me when we were alone. Then we fought about how he ignored me in school. Finally we fought about everything, and anything. To the what he wore, to who I talked to, and even about our cell phones. Anything was mentioned and it was sad to be honest, I looked like a crazy idiot half the time, because he would just walk away and I was left in the hallway crying in front of my classmates. My friends started hating him and I started defending him. 10th grade for me, was not like 10th grade for my friends, because I spent the entire year fighting and arguing with Jose.

Finally around the end of November, Jose told me he cheated on me, but then tried to take it back, by saying he was kidding. I went straight to the girl he said, and she confirmed it. I flipped, screaming and fighting, I went nuts. How could he tell me he cheated on me, after 6 months has gone by. He said it was over the summer, and he was sorry and he's done with it now and all the garbage you would expect to hear. I told him, that I loved him, and if he truly loved me back we could fix this. I told him trust was an issue and it was something to earn back and it was not entirely impossible. But he made it impossible, by January he was trying to see another girl behind my back and when I found out, I told him it was over. I told him he disgusted me, and that I could never trust him again. But he kept calling he kept trying to make it better. We talked every night on the phone still, we still saw each other and people still thought we were dating, we still loved each other, but at the same time we both knew I was tired of the bull shit.

Paul called me up one night, he said "Brittany I know you don't want to hear this, but you can't stay with Jose anymore, your only hurting yourself and your hurting me. I love you and the night at the carnival I was going to tell you, but I didn't because of Jose." Well I freaked out. Why wouldn't he tell me the night of who cares about Jose. Paul and I have been friends since forever and he couldn't tell me that. I was furious. But I knew Paul was right, I had to get out of the relationship with Jose. So I broke up with him.

It was raining really bad and you could tell the difference between the tears and the rain drops. So we drove to the baseball field around the block from us. We both knew what was going to happen, so we were silent for a while. I started telling him how I felt, how I believed he was never going to change and I can't be with someone who treats me bad. He was begging for forgiveness, but I've given it too many times. I told him I would not let him hurt me any more and I'm sorry it can't be different.

I then told him one more thing, I said "I'm not in love with you, and I still have strong feelings for someone else." At that moment he started to cry. I said I need to tell you because I don't want you hearing from anyone else, but I still have feelings for Paul. And as I said Paul's name his tears came out faster. I felt like a terrible person, but I knew I had to tell him. We were walking back to the car and I was so overwhelmed with sadness I burst into tears and fell to the ground. Jose ran to me thinking I was hurt, which made me cry harder because from that moment on he did change, but I could never go back out with him.

I broke up with Jose and it might have broken both our hearts, but it changed he's life forever.

Hey Brittany, Why are you messing with me?

hey brittany
why are you messing with me
is your boy on your mind
is your boy in the car
or are you alone
so why
does everything i say just
make you upset
i'm not here to bring you down
but lift you up
lift you up
so yeah yeah yeah
go ahead and lower it down
lower it down
just a little bit
just a little bit
lower it down

so where do we go where do we go
you cannot know
you will not know
when you just have to fight to be alone


hey brittany
where is your engagement ring
did it mean anything
does the boy with the ring
know you bounce bounce
bounce around


so how
am i supposed to act when you're around him
when everything he says
brings you down
brings you down
brings you down
so yeah yeah yeah
go ahead and lower it down
lower it down
just a little bit
just a little bit
lower it down


so where do we go
where do we go
you cannot knowyou will not know
when you just have to fight to be alone


so where do we go
when everybody knows
when everybody starts to bounce bounce bounce around


so yeah yeah yeah
go ahead and lower it down
lower it down
just a little bit
just a little bit


so where do we go
where do we go
you cannot know
you will not know
when you just have to fight to be alone

-forever the sickest kids

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the ex-boo told me to read those lyrics. and well it kinda mad me depressed, at least most of the song.

"These are a few of my Favorite Things"

1. Picture-My BFFs Ott and Dee <3 Love them.
2. OTH CDs- I listen to oth music like I'll never hear it again, The lyrics and tunes are so inspirational. Corny yes, but they pick the best songs for the right scene.
3. Belle- Beauty and the Beast is my all time favorite Disney movie ever, I love how it's all about learning to love someone with out beauty.
4. Pillow- Yes one of my favorite things is my pillow. I sleep all the time, as much as I can, my mom hates it, but it's so nice to just lay in a comfy bed, with my down pillow and blanket and just sleep.
5. Coach- There are 2 coach items in that picture, my coach wallet and coach sunglasses. I have those two items on my at all times. My wallet is my everything because I love it. And my glasses, I wear them at night.
6. Harry Potter- I chose the first book, 1 because it was the only one I can reach. 2 it represents the first of a great series and 3 I love books in general. HP is just one of the favorites.
7. My bag- I don't use that bag all the time, but I always have a different bag on. I love this one because it's plaid! <3
8. My T-Shirt!!!- That is my homemade t, by me. For the last senior hooray! The school is blue gray and white, but class 2008 was red. and i made about 50 tshirts for the seniors. I used to make t-shirts like it was living, but as talented as I am, $ doesn't fall off trees and even though people were helping me pay for them, you always loose money some how.
9. Converse- Love shoes, love love love. I have sooooo many. and I wear my black converses like crazy, though I could not find them because who knows, I used my navy blue shoes to represent the con.!
10. White Scarf- I collect scarfs, I have about 10 different kinds and I love wearing them in the winter! <3
11. Santa Hat- Christmas is my favorite Holiday!! <33 Presents are just a bonus when it comes to Christmas, because being with the family, and enjoying the great food, I don't know I just love it!
12. "B"- It's my inital! who doesn't like the letter b!!
13. "D"- That d is from my High School, which I loved so much!
14. The drawing- I drew that last year, it's my favorite piece that I've drew. I feel like it's one of my best too.

Lovee it <3

Q&A

1. What is your favorite word?
love, because it could be anything

2. What is your least favorite word?
"c u next tuesday" i think it's disgusting now.

3. What turns you on, excites, or inspires you creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?
family, friends, school. can i pick more than one, hopefully. because most of the world gives me inspiration, like a song lyric or my cousins birthday party with the family, you could always find something.

4. What turns you off?
rude people, when some one doesn't say thank you when someone says "God Bless you" or when someone doesn't hold the door open, or when your driving and you let someone go buy, because you felt like it and they don't give the wave to show their appreciation.

5. What sound or noise do you love?
silence when your with someone you love. that it's not an akward silence, you just don't need to say anything because you know everythings alright

6. What sound or noise do you hate?
nails on a chalk board, anything to that sense, i hate it so much i get the chills

7. What is your favorite curse word?
bitch, because i'm ok with people saying i'm one, cause i can be at times.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Sex Therapist, cause I'm good at giving advice.

9. What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?
construction, i would neverrrr everrrr build anything let alone pick up a piece of wood.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Are you ready for your spa?"

Who Knows

So guys i've been thinking, why does every one in life go around doing things the way "they should" be done. i think its time people start going nutso on every one. i mean chaos is fun, well it is for me. i was and yes i said was, a crazy bitch, who talked about everyone and their moms, but at the same time everyone liked. people told me stories all their stories, or at least most. and i had a piece of garbage on basically everyone in my grade. BUT WHAT HAPPENED?! well everyone moved and now there's new people, but i don't like what i did in the past, bc i literally tore people apart, and it never came back to me. i must say this is very talented to be able to start a huge fight between 2 people and never be pointed out as the one who started it all. and i miss it like crazy because it was fun, i would feel bad eventually and i would always do something to get the two people to forget what happened. but its fun gossip, and i know alot of people hate it which is understandable. but it is alot of fun, esspecially when the gossip is never about you.

well at least the bad gossip was never about me, except once.my car is lik HUGE (ford explorer 2005), its a beaut. and i had a parking spot in the senior parking lot, which is picked randomly, well one of my friends had one too, and he kinda pulled out of his spot right before me, and i kinda didnt reallize and i kinda hit hiscar and left a hugeeeeeeeeeeee dent ! lik my car=huge his car=a pea. it was actually really funny, but i thats mean. haha were still friends and he now has a big car haha
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i drank my sorrows away last night
it was going well until i woke up
everyone has pain, like me
a broken heart
a broken family
it's really the way you handle it
i drank my sorrows away last night
and i'll admit, not one of the brightest ideas
-------------------------------------------
but i had fun while it lasted, i woke up this morning with achy legs from walking from wantaghs firedepartment to my uncles house, with my uncle. you dont see that very often, a 350 lbs man in a uniform walking home drunk with his niece. stupidity had a lot to do with it, but still it was a good time. just this morning reminded me of more reasons i feel lonely, i hung out with te cutest kid last night, and im not gonna lie, ive had this crush on him since the day i met him. which is a little over a year. hes so funny, smart, really tall, and i love it. hes just not a relationship kinda kid, he dated his ex on and off, but he was cheating on her.. so i knew that would eventually end. and now that hes single, i would love to be like lets hang out alone, but hes retarded and i know he'd like freak out the day b4. .. i kno this is a little, mushy and corny but i just wanna find some1 i could be my self with.

i think, life's a bitch and then you die.
whats the point in trying to make it to the top.
there is none, just to go with the flow
do what you wanna do, but make sure:
you go to college
get good grades
get a job
so you can buy a nice house
get married
have 3 kids
then get a dog
and maybe another kid
then probably get a divorce
find another spouse
and the you eventually die
well i dont kno if im ok with the dying part
or the divorcing part
but this is how most people live their lives
it's sad but true, but what can you do?
live a true life, never be fake.

Beach<3

Close Connections

No Matter What



I know you think we were just friends
But in my eyes you were more than just that
You were more than a person to talk to
You were more than just a physical attraction
You were more than a pick me up when I was sad

You were more than just my world
You were my everything
You saved me
You were my only one


If there was anything I could tell you now
It would be you are and will be the love of my life forever
But we both know you won't stand to hear it


I promise I'll fall in love again
But you'll always be in my heart


Just be careful and be safe
And always know
I will be there for you no matter what

Photo Project <3

concealment, revealing that i like music, plays piano? , but concealing that i can't really play the piano. and hiding my face.

mugshot
indoor portrait
bathroom mirror pic
marco shot
"hand it to you" .. idk didn't get that one.

Famous <3

after driving home, (al's a little nutso)

after a famous clean up!!

hate, love, stupid people

i hate how people complain about there relationships. like your with someone who obviouslyy cares about you, because he or she is with you they support you and if u find it necessary to hav a complaint about them, to me its 100% annoying. like ive been "alone" for a few years now and it hurts alot and i wish i had some1 to call at the end of the night, but i dnt and if u spoke to me in person you wouldnt be able to tell, bc i deal with it. and i hate when some1 has something to say about their significant other, its upsetting bc they dont seem to see that what they have is absolutely amazing. to be able to tell some1 else everything is a hugee deal at least to me, and i hate when people think its nothing. This person is letting you in on everything, they are opening their hearts to you and your just hurting them if you dont love them like they love you, i just hatee that sooo much people need to start realizing what they have before its gone, because that feelings the worst of all.

weird !?

weird what is weird, to me weird is anything, every1 is weird, yea some more than others, but im a freak. like, i hate the number 7 and writin it is soo annoying i hav to be on the right side to walk on bc my bag has to be on my left and i dont lik my bag hitting up on the person. my alarm clock has to be set to an hour before i really need to get up and my phone needs to be next to me when i sleep. i hate walking on the floor barefooted in the summer and i have to have my pillow and blanket when my friends sleep over bc i cant fall asleep witout it i have to be bout 5 min early the latest when i go somewhere and if im late to school ever i cry im one of the worst to take tests with alot of people bc i cant sit still for 2 hours. my floor in my room is a work of art because i choose to leave my dirty clothes on the floor and other stuff, its nice. my laptop needs to be on when i sleep, and i listen to oth cds b4 bed. i dnt rele go out and when i do 12 is pushing it for me. my mom and i get our friend at the same time every month so we fight, to the point where death could come between us. i've dated an asshole, though every1 does that at least once. i dont lik any type of water except poland spring, i will not drink anything else. i have a couch in my room, and no closet what so ever. im allergic all year round, if im around cigarettes my eyes puff up, and get relle itchy, because of the nicatine. i hate it wen girls are stupid especially blonde girls, stupid blondes just get me frusrated. i have more guy friends then girl friends, cuz girls to be get too bitchy and tend to like to complain. and if i go out to eat with a few people i canntt!!!!!! have the same thing as anyone else, and i perfer that everyone else gets something diffferent. if some1 does get the same thing i always find something thats different to make myself feel better, and i always have to order last. yea theres most def. more but i cant think of any

A Famous Catering

I just got back from work .. yes 11pm. i know sucks. haha, but after working 12 hours you find that you have the strangest amount of energy. Obviously i'm over tired, but whatever I'll go with it. If any things spelt wrong or not understandable, my apologies, I've been up since 7, and i was actually moving instead of being lazy and napping or laying on my computer. I have to upload the pictures i have from this catering i just went on, it was sooooooooooooo muchhhhh fun!!!!!!! We had such a blast, all the people were basically drunk, so we had them to entertain us, and then they had fun performances that we got to watch. It was crazy fun, and our General Manager didn't go so it was like triple the amount of fun you would normally have on a catering. HaHa! My friend who also works there, her names Christina, but we all call her Moose, she's crazy, when i finally get the pictures up she'll be the one jumping in the air in every photo! I can't even describe to how much fun i had, i know i must have said that 500000x alrede but OMG IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! haha I'm usually not excited for work, but tomorow I'm like really pumped. Idk why, but im ready im ready im ready as spongebob would say!

Il def hav those pics up by the end of sat, if i dont feel free to call be a liar! =o

My friend Rob

Robbb, he's one cocky, rude, obnoxious person. But that's Rob. He's mean to people he doesn't know and he's mean to people that piss him off. He doesn't care what everyone else thinks which a great way to live life, but he's ALWAYS sad. I don't know why either. Lately he hasn't been telling me, which freaks me out a little. He's away at college in FL and last year when he was away he was able to still talk to me. Now, when I ask him whats wrong, because I know somethings wrong, he says nothing. And when I say well you seem sad, even when I'm talking to you through aim, I know there's something wrong and he still says nothing, it's like what the fish! I'm suppose to be one of your closest friends and you can't tell me?!? It could be nothing and just him acting miserable for no reason, but he could still make up something for me, now I'm getting worried. He needs to realize that life a pain in the ass some times, but we gotta get over it <33 (dee and rob in the picture)

Randoms <3

PICNIK <3


Hairspray with Molloy over the summer! Photos: Mike Russo

All you need is love. Walnuts, my favorite, because of the heart inside.

Fishy faces in disney, summer 2007. Good times<3

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ME!@#$%

mirrors a little dirtyy. <3