The Ex

Ok, so Laura called me out in my last entry, and I'm going to tell you about one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. During the football season at my high school in 2004 I met Jose. I will never forget it, because one of my friends Dayna introduced us, in a way. We came to watch the JV football team practice, and Jose was leaning on the fence waiting for it to end, since he was done with varsity practice already. Dayna looked at him and said "HOSE-B!" and Jose turned around and laughed, and she then asked if he was Spanish. Now Dayna is known for being ditsy and I didn't know that she knew this kid, so I was like Dayna, what are you doing?! Do you know him? And they both laughed at me, and she said yea, he's Hose-B. Obviously his name was not Hose-B because they were both laughing, so he told me that it was a joke because his name is "Hose-A." This was the beginning of a tragedy waiting to happen.

We were talking a lot through the fall and when December came we were on our first date. We went to the Broadway Mall in Hicksville and had Chinese food, and went to see a movie, Fat Albert. The entire time was a blast, I was able to relax and be myself. He was so nice to me too. He didn't make fun at the stupid things and he paid for my ticket, which I believed should always happen. I even got along with his parents already which to me is very important. So the winter past fast and I was starting to wonder, we never really discussed a relationship, we were going out and hanging out, but I didn't know if what we had was a dating relationship, he was my first boyfriend so keep that in mind. So I asked him one night, and we decided together that it was official we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was January 7, 2005. I was at my aunts house and it was about 1am.

My best friend Paul was getting really jealous, he didn't like how I spent so much time with Jose. He felt it took from our friendship, but I assured him it was all ok. But then one day around the end of February I told Paul about a fight Jose and I had. It was stupid, because I don't even remember, but Paul went to Jose and told him I was going to break up with him. So like 10 minutes later, Jose came into the hallway and broke up with me, in front of all my friends and was a complete jerk. I didn't understand why, and I didn't find out about Paul until the end of March, when Jose tried talking to me again. We talked about what happened and how it was all a misunderstanding and we were back together, but we weren't dating like before.

I remember my birthday, I was turning 15 and I went to his house before I went to hang out with my friends. There was two of his friends in his grade (11) and then there were another two of his friends in my grade (9). Unless I never heard it, Jose didn't once say Happy Birthday to me, but all of his friends did, even the kids in my grade that I never knew before. It was just upsetting. I understand that's a little stupid, but it was a respect thing for me. So after he drove me to meet with my friends I hung out with Paul, and we just had a good time for my birthday, kind of like "the old times" in middle school.

Eventually Jose apologized and understood where I was coming from. The end of the school year came fast and with the annual carnival coming up every one was excited. The night before the carnival I fell asleep at Jose's on his couch watching a movie. I woke up in panic, but some how he made it all ok. I got home that day, and asked him online if our relationship was going anywhere he told me no.

That night being as upset as I was, I got drunk like an idiot and hooked up with Paul. Of course, since we are in high school, Jose finds out. He yelled and screamed and made me feel like crap, he said he was going to ask me out and make it official again, but wanted me to be surprised. A week later he asked me out. He said he forgives, but never forgets. He said he didn't trust me like he did, but was willing to earn that trust back. Now as stupid as I was, I went along with it. I thought I did do wrong by him, that I shouldn't have done what I did. But looking back on it now, it might have been hurtful, but I had every right. We weren't in a committed relationship, and he had just put me through the pain I didn't think I would go through again. But I went out with him, we were dating like before and June 4, 2005 it was put down. We were like we were before, and that's all that mattered.

The summer went by fast, Jose went to Ecuador in the beginning, but the night he came back he walked to my house just to see me and we spent the entire night together talking about his trip and how I missed him and how much he missed me. It was just a nice way to see each other again, after that the summer flew by. We hung out with each other and some friends, but most of the time it was just us. August came, and Jose was practicing for Varsity Football every morning.

School came fast and so did our arguments, we fought everyday, at 6am about him coming to pick me up, finally I said what ever I'll walk to your house. So every morning I walked to his house. Every morning. Then we fought about how he disrespected me in school, how he was only nice to me when we were alone. Then we fought about how he ignored me in school. Finally we fought about everything, and anything. To the what he wore, to who I talked to, and even about our cell phones. Anything was mentioned and it was sad to be honest, I looked like a crazy idiot half the time, because he would just walk away and I was left in the hallway crying in front of my classmates. My friends started hating him and I started defending him. 10th grade for me, was not like 10th grade for my friends, because I spent the entire year fighting and arguing with Jose.

Finally around the end of November, Jose told me he cheated on me, but then tried to take it back, by saying he was kidding. I went straight to the girl he said, and she confirmed it. I flipped, screaming and fighting, I went nuts. How could he tell me he cheated on me, after 6 months has gone by. He said it was over the summer, and he was sorry and he's done with it now and all the garbage you would expect to hear. I told him, that I loved him, and if he truly loved me back we could fix this. I told him trust was an issue and it was something to earn back and it was not entirely impossible. But he made it impossible, by January he was trying to see another girl behind my back and when I found out, I told him it was over. I told him he disgusted me, and that I could never trust him again. But he kept calling he kept trying to make it better. We talked every night on the phone still, we still saw each other and people still thought we were dating, we still loved each other, but at the same time we both knew I was tired of the bull shit.

Paul called me up one night, he said "Brittany I know you don't want to hear this, but you can't stay with Jose anymore, your only hurting yourself and your hurting me. I love you and the night at the carnival I was going to tell you, but I didn't because of Jose." Well I freaked out. Why wouldn't he tell me the night of who cares about Jose. Paul and I have been friends since forever and he couldn't tell me that. I was furious. But I knew Paul was right, I had to get out of the relationship with Jose. So I broke up with him.

It was raining really bad and you could tell the difference between the tears and the rain drops. So we drove to the baseball field around the block from us. We both knew what was going to happen, so we were silent for a while. I started telling him how I felt, how I believed he was never going to change and I can't be with someone who treats me bad. He was begging for forgiveness, but I've given it too many times. I told him I would not let him hurt me any more and I'm sorry it can't be different.

I then told him one more thing, I said "I'm not in love with you, and I still have strong feelings for someone else." At that moment he started to cry. I said I need to tell you because I don't want you hearing from anyone else, but I still have feelings for Paul. And as I said Paul's name his tears came out faster. I felt like a terrible person, but I knew I had to tell him. We were walking back to the car and I was so overwhelmed with sadness I burst into tears and fell to the ground. Jose ran to me thinking I was hurt, which made me cry harder because from that moment on he did change, but I could never go back out with him.

I broke up with Jose and it might have broken both our hearts, but it changed he's life forever.